Until then

If no one, understands God does. You need only to believe in Him. He has a better plan for you. Just don't hurt others and be patient. Do your part and He'll do His. It'll be worth it one day or in the end. If eating shitloads of chocolates make you happy, do it. If writing makes you happy and believing in fairy tales far away from the reality, living in them, pretending to be somewhere else makes you happy, do it. If watching something makes you happy do it. If talking to people do it, who are genuinely do it even if they turn out to be just some strangers who'll walk right past you, do it and don't look back. If that is what makes you happy. Don't chase after those who don't make you feel happy or wonderful. Who don't keep you as a priority and second option or don't even remember you. Who don't consider you someone worth your time. It's their loss. Just don't give a bloody shit and just DO IT! You've got this, you always will. Don't let mean people bully you into the angry person you're not. You're kind from within you'll stay the same. It just wasn't meant to be, so create something else, even if it's surreal. That's the best part. Until then...

Wrote this some weeks ago but didn't publish it, wont edit rn, too lazy

The world never fucking cares and so should you. Don't depend on anyone or let anyone be the reason for how you feel or think. Search that inner locus of control and hang onto it. Forever. And never let go of it.

Aunt cancer
Emotional wreck
Crying spells
Book vfx
Grad school planning deadlines passed pressure and scrutiny why I don't apply I have a rigid thinking still.mkt.good I know self critic a lot but not like before so progress!!!
Grab my cat and run away to a country or a cave far far away where nobody knows me for a long long time. Gotta make an effort for myself. Short term or long term plans

God never disappoints even if you are related with anybody in any frikkin way productive positive and proactive or toxic
Spiritually being stable is v imp the only corner you can turn to when nothing is working out human beings are just vessels of flesh even the soul a shadow of something one is not really is

Never let anyone especially your family that therapy is bad or not needed. Because it FUCKING IS! Shut all those toxic and conditioned or masked voices away and those that bounce back just let them in politely and forgive. For you deserve peace and stability.

Discord

An endless void
Screeching for flesh
A timeless abyss
Hungry for a mess
Broken hearts
Aloud are the squeals
Trembling and haunted
Undefined paths
Winds of dissonance
Tearing it apart
Shackles revealed
Forever is gone the shield
Dreadful journeys await
Cries of help
Unheard, the silence befell
Deep down the dark they dwell
A passage too narrow
Gone is the light
Harrowing flashes of dark
Starless nights
Dimly lit dawns
Chords angled

Needs to be edited 

Tales of something someth

There's this frenzy of emotions and new feelings. Feels kinda really good and thrilling. I love the unpredictable part of this all and just diving right in this all. I'll definitely edit this lol. In a bus in a middle of a super storm (I wish). Still extremely dark and dusty. I do love tornadoes sooo much. Everyone thinks I'm  too crazy but I don't care I love this and I always will. Wanna see one someday really badly and definitely chase it. Relentlessly like I'll chase my goals. And prevail. With all of that strength I have in me. Even if something is wrong internally haha. It won't matter. Just need to be content at heart. And let it all out. And believe have faith and move on after every battle.
Couldn't sleep properly last night at all. Stupid cough. Again it's been two months. It's always there. Idk if people usually have it all year. Anyway I'll end this here. I've started working on some prose and lyrics. Will post them soon. Oh and I recorded a cover haha xp

No, Not that please

So I just tried to grab DJ from the floor without bending much and jerked off the knee a bit, actually that bit felt like a thousand tsunamis hitting my insides. And now the resonance is unfathomable.. It makes my cry sometimes, near tears not the actual thing. People are going through like so much more right? Pain and all other stuff wise. Not comparing, okay. I need this to be fine soon. Not in the final semester and when I have to get so much stuff done myself. Which I can ask help for but I hate asking someone else for it especially living in social set-ups where asking someone especially if its coming from a female is like being dependent and giving power to some dipshit matriarchy riddled mindset. Okay, this is going to make me enraged so I'll stop here with this. Knee, please pretty knee heal soon. Hahaha.
I have so many pending college essays and I am not finishing them! Someone please write them for me and maybe food down my esophagus too. God. Watching Friends makes it a bit easier and eating lemon tarts. It kinda reminds me of my past/ex-friendships, how I used to give people so much importance when there place should have been under the trash bin, yes, very much. As if I did not know that they knew that I did not know. I planned to take driving lessons and now I can't with this knee, not for another month or two. The doc said this part is just for the outer ligaments. The inner part will come later. *keeps inserting crying and banging into the door emoji* And I think I need to change my phone number. Why do guys take your being nice and courteous as a sign of trying to be more than that, like chrissakes shove your egoism up your back already. Maybe it comes back at me? Well I have not been that bad of a stalker since lots of years now surprisingly. The depressive phase is almost gone albeit I still feel like eating a lot more than I used to. Stomach ins... no NO. NOT that! Please. Close that chapter and that vortex of overthinking-about-the-unpredictable starts knocking at my door. I'm not reading that much. This philosophy book I intend to read three times more so I can understand it, my thick skull well.
It's going to be alright. Gods, backing me up baby. No worries. I should just forget everything and write. Yes, yes that's what I'm going to do and procrastinate of course. 

More Is Less

Final semester! Applications. Doctors appointments. Breakdowns! Music. Cold. Beautiful Winters. My sinful tainted soul. Holding back. Tears. All that craziness and laughter. Moments. Lol why am I writing such short phrases. I'm butchering my writing skills. Lalala. It'll be fine. Blow it all away with a smirk. Oh and I am sooo geared up for the Night king, Endgame, captain Marvel. I uhhhh okay I'll watch Glass at the cinema, I mean McAvoy, Bruce, Sarah and Samuel in a movieee. Oh and my craving for sweet stuff although I balance the carbs and calories w.e but I cannot walk properly *cries* I did the partial thesis/ final year project the theme centering around existential crisis, chasing ones passions which might as well be procrastination. Funny. Crazy. Yeah. Well, I can't help it. I'll have to live with it and shoo it away. Then there was what i call it a obnoxious paradox. We do so much and yet for a Designer nothing is enough like ever, it's always 'More is Less'. And well then we go running like loonies after minimalism which is so slender and beautiful to craft and work with, we shout 'Less it More'. But in that More it's always gonna be less. Okay I might go bonkers here.

PS. Never ever get a knee injury! And I'm lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvin Friends

Oh oh oh and me and my really classy friends played this escape-without-paying-the-bill-prank, got threatened to be arrested, laughed at, laughed ourselves to death, got fined, totally unfair. But well IT WAS WORTH IT!!! 

Pieces, Support and Oblivion

Its been a really long while since I wrote anything. It's been somewhat really overwhelming for me since a couple of weeks. Since the relapse early this year, things have gotten really surprisingly better albeit I'm still on meds. No worries. I've fallen into deepest of crevasses and have found myself pulling me up and I've met some cool badass people too haha. New experiences are always good I guess. It feels so calm, serene, to share, laugh it out, curse it out and yeah let it out, say it to those who know what it's like to go something like this. Mental-health issues are not like a fracture that can be cured in a matter of time. They stick with you till the end. You just gotta know how to get over them, stop them from getting the best of you. Anxiety made me see stuff so blurry and all, well not now, not ever now! You get called out at by irrevocably disgusting words, from those so close to you. Not anymore, I mean my being close to them. People are not my thing. Certainly, not those who respect me or at least have the courtesy to shut their mouths. I'm done in these scenarios. Like eternally. I found this online support group which has been really helpful. There isn't any in-person support group system here, I'm planning to start one and collab with other people too re this. Managing and switching between senior year work, internship, finding a suitable issue to address in the final year project,. Promulgating the desire for research, managing extra circulars, filling in grad school apps, chasing after RISDeeeee, write, manage your hobbies, family time etcetera etcetera can be reaally overwhelming for me but well, I know how to go about it. Its not the destination after all 
I'd gotten so used to scoring highest that when I hit rock-bottom last semester, the GPA fell straight 14 or 16 points down, when I was so near of dropping out of college lol. I heard stuff like 'dude, are you like on drugs or something? Intoxicated?' well I was kinda, cuz the initial meds didn't work so I had to change the doc. And that was when I realized people are okay with you when you are okay, nobody gives a slightest shit if you are suffering differently, more, cannot let it out, share, be normal, focus and stay in the classroom concentrate, meet deadlines... I got kinda really angry again and irritable, started overthinking so much lol. Anyway, Pets are so beautiful. Snow turned seven months old and plaaayah is one year old now. God I feel like squeezing his fur all day long, kissing him forever and looking in those infinitely amazing eyes. They have helped me soo much with all this. Escaping to your imaginary world is helpful too but don't stay there for too long that it comes gnawing at you if you're not there. We need to accept the dilemma we are as human beings, empathize every moment, be grateful and smile, be happy, stay happy, live and let live. And also accept that we aren't okay too. It's normal to not feel normal and sad and bad and crying so much. I get scared, I fear losing people, because I cannot afford losing those I have. Its totally okay and normal to feel this way maybe. We're so complex that if we start unraveling a human being and exploring the mystery they are, it'd probably take eons. Get this idea of binge-eating, won't though. So yeah. 
Live day by day, Moment by moment. Let it out, Let it Go. Love unconditionally. Help unreservedly. Crack like a fool endlessly *totally classy in a badass way*
I just really want to finish my book. I'm doing one of photography too. Maybe I'll include one in my project. I really hope it turns out fine-ish. 

PS. I finished Gossip girl, Once upon a time. Started watching Friends finally. Rewatched GoT. I cannot get through watching the final Avengers </3^<><> I have to follow-up with Mr. Robot, Apocalypse, wait, Cult before that. And. Suits. 

PSS. Lately I've been updating my stone-age old playlist. I've fallen in love these bands and musicians. Of monsters and men, Cigarettes after sex, Hooverphoonic, Twenty one pilots, Grouplove, Lorde and Ruelle etcetera etcetera 

PSSS. And lastly, Pieces, by Andrew Belle. 

History’s a letter made of scarlet
Victories look better when you’ve called it
Misery’s the moment when I lost you
It’s pleasure in a costume
It’s more than what it cost you 

SO YEAH! Laters xx 

Enigma

The world is so huge, the cosmos talking to you from every grain and every fibre. From the pink sand in the vast wilderness of the desert and beaches, to the endless strech of the raging ocean. From the misty mountains to the forests, dipped in murky shades of sun and gold. Shades of God, shades of might. So beautiful. Ever living. As infinite as one could travel.. 

Friction

I am so done with some stuff! Why do people just make it a point to wreck havic in someone else's life? (Not that one let's them, it's just their trashed innate thing). Why can't one live without being damnably associated with another person when they are an entire different being in their own and both have fucking lives of their own. Different preferences. And still being stuck together. Suggested to even pursue the same freakin career. I prefer solitude, it makes me  uncomfortable to share things with others. This is the way I am. And I am not sorry for this not do I need to prove this, and I can't think of another way to put this, as eerie as it sounds. I have changed, but this is way out of line. To have a worry thats not even mine. This may sound a bit too dramatic but it isn't! If there's one thing I've got to know about myself in the past few years of endless struggles to discover myself, it's my determination and will to never give up. I might do that a trillion times but in actuality it's nothing but something that's preparing me for what's yet to come. I believe falling down makes you get up with even more strength and valor. What they do to us, it's way too unfair. And when I'm driven to make choices that I don't want to make it makes my head spin. I don't want to do that. Its not even my place to ask of the other one those things but somehow I just have to. I really need this all to end soon. Just need calm and mountains. Rivers and the sky only. I've figured out maybe this is why our relationship is tainted..
Edit:
But I shall and should hope for the best. For in endurance is the beauty and when one's life blooms. I may cry relentlessly and close myself in the room for hours. That's recharging and letting it out. Not being selfish. I won't care if I have to fight the whole fucking world to get what I want. I won't care if I have to fight the whole damn universe to make my point clear and I won't care if I effing die, but I will not submit to someone's whimsical demands or scrutinized and oppressive attitude. I won't. That's the person I am. Will evolve to be.. 

Au rèvoir

Something

Idk who he was but it was a really hilarious and silly thing. Posing as someone's secret admirer. xD
But it taught me some really good stuff as well. So going to focus on that. Positivity ftw!

Ciao. xx