Pieces, Support and Oblivion

Its been a really long while since I wrote anything. It's been somewhat really overwhelming for me since a couple of weeks. Since the relapse early this year, things have gotten really surprisingly better albeit I'm still on meds. No worries. I've fallen into deepest of crevasses and have found myself pulling me up and I've met some cool badass people too haha. New experiences are always good I guess. It feels so calm, serene, to share, laugh it out, curse it out and yeah let it out, say it to those who know what it's like to go something like this. Mental-health issues are not like a fracture that can be cured in a matter of time. They stick with you till the end. You just gotta know how to get over them, stop them from getting the best of you. Anxiety made me see stuff so blurry and all, well not now, not ever now! You get called out at by irrevocably disgusting words, from those so close to you. Not anymore, I mean my being close to them. People are not my thing. Certainly, not those who respect me or at least have the courtesy to shut their mouths. I'm done in these scenarios. Like eternally. I found this online support group which has been really helpful. There isn't any in-person support group system here, I'm planning to start one and collab with other people too re this. Managing and switching between senior year work, internship, finding a suitable issue to address in the final year project,. Promulgating the desire for research, managing extra circulars, filling in grad school apps, chasing after RISDeeeee, write, manage your hobbies, family time etcetera etcetera can be reaally overwhelming for me but well, I know how to go about it. Its not the destination after all 
I'd gotten so used to scoring highest that when I hit rock-bottom last semester, the GPA fell straight 14 or 16 points down, when I was so near of dropping out of college lol. I heard stuff like 'dude, are you like on drugs or something? Intoxicated?' well I was kinda, cuz the initial meds didn't work so I had to change the doc. And that was when I realized people are okay with you when you are okay, nobody gives a slightest shit if you are suffering differently, more, cannot let it out, share, be normal, focus and stay in the classroom concentrate, meet deadlines... I got kinda really angry again and irritable, started overthinking so much lol. Anyway, Pets are so beautiful. Snow turned seven months old and plaaayah is one year old now. God I feel like squeezing his fur all day long, kissing him forever and looking in those infinitely amazing eyes. They have helped me soo much with all this. Escaping to your imaginary world is helpful too but don't stay there for too long that it comes gnawing at you if you're not there. We need to accept the dilemma we are as human beings, empathize every moment, be grateful and smile, be happy, stay happy, live and let live. And also accept that we aren't okay too. It's normal to not feel normal and sad and bad and crying so much. I get scared, I fear losing people, because I cannot afford losing those I have. Its totally okay and normal to feel this way maybe. We're so complex that if we start unraveling a human being and exploring the mystery they are, it'd probably take eons. Get this idea of binge-eating, won't though. So yeah. 
Live day by day, Moment by moment. Let it out, Let it Go. Love unconditionally. Help unreservedly. Crack like a fool endlessly *totally classy in a badass way*
I just really want to finish my book. I'm doing one of photography too. Maybe I'll include one in my project. I really hope it turns out fine-ish. 

PS. I finished Gossip girl, Once upon a time. Started watching Friends finally. Rewatched GoT. I cannot get through watching the final Avengers </3^<><> I have to follow-up with Mr. Robot, Apocalypse, wait, Cult before that. And. Suits. 

PSS. Lately I've been updating my stone-age old playlist. I've fallen in love these bands and musicians. Of monsters and men, Cigarettes after sex, Hooverphoonic, Twenty one pilots, Grouplove, Lorde and Ruelle etcetera etcetera 

PSSS. And lastly, Pieces, by Andrew Belle. 

History’s a letter made of scarlet
Victories look better when you’ve called it
Misery’s the moment when I lost you
It’s pleasure in a costume
It’s more than what it cost you 

SO YEAH! Laters xx 

Enigma

The world is so huge, the cosmos talking to you from every grain and every fibre. From the pink sand in the vast wilderness of the desert and beaches, to the endless strech of the raging ocean. From the misty mountains to the forests, dipped in murky shades of sun and gold. Shades of God, shades of might. So beautiful. Ever living. As infinite as one could travel.. 

Friction

I am so done with some stuff! Why do people just make it a point to wreck havic in someone else's life? (Not that one let's them, it's just their trashed innate thing). Why can't one live without being damnably associated with another person when they are an entire different being in their own and both have fucking lives of their own. Different preferences. And still being stuck together. Suggested to even pursue the same freakin career. I prefer solitude, it makes me  uncomfortable to share things with others. This is the way I am. And I am not sorry for this not do I need to prove this, and I can't think of another way to put this, as eerie as it sounds. I have changed, but this is way out of line. To have a worry thats not even mine. This may sound a bit too dramatic but it isn't! If there's one thing I've got to know about myself in the past few years of endless struggles to discover myself, it's my determination and will to never give up. I might do that a trillion times but in actuality it's nothing but something that's preparing me for what's yet to come. I believe falling down makes you get up with even more strength and valor. What they do to us, it's way too unfair. And when I'm driven to make choices that I don't want to make it makes my head spin. I don't want to do that. Its not even my place to ask of the other one those things but somehow I just have to. I really need this all to end soon. Just need calm and mountains. Rivers and the sky only. I've figured out maybe this is why our relationship is tainted..
Edit:
But I shall and should hope for the best. For in endurance is the beauty and when one's life blooms. I may cry relentlessly and close myself in the room for hours. That's recharging and letting it out. Not being selfish. I won't care if I have to fight the whole fucking world to get what I want. I won't care if I have to fight the whole damn universe to make my point clear and I won't care if I effing die, but I will not submit to someone's whimsical demands or scrutinized and oppressive attitude. I won't. That's the person I am. Will evolve to be.. 

Au rèvoir

Something

Idk who he was but it was a really hilarious and silly thing. Posing as someone's secret admirer. xD
But it taught me some really good stuff as well. So going to focus on that. Positivity ftw!

Ciao. xx

What am I doing?

It was just a thought I guess. A memory, or thought, something I supposedly created and imagined that it was there. Superficial? Only what I imagined or believed I felt? Unrequited love I might even have called it HAHA. I still feel the remnants of it though, peculiarly. Its really awkward and weird to write about this. Not that I resent it now. Well, some things come to pass as they are meant to be no matter how much we avoid them. But I've made peace with it and I have moved on. Let go like I should have. Period.

What am I even doing? Writing about it... thinking about it again.. it's been months.. years lol. Not a big deal. I've got so much to conquer and lots at stake. Whats mind will come to me.

xoxo 

So it Begins. Like it always does.

I would go on a rant and how my web design instructor really didn't go through the course rigorously and properly, or guided us in the right direction (well that he did). But I won't. Not with the relapse going on.
I do love codes, if I'd known some years, might as well could have been that I chose that field of study but I'm so thankful for where I am today. I'll get the hang of website design. Infact I'm toying with it these days and loving it. It's just the technical parts that really make my head hurt. I have to overcome that. But hey, no one is perfect, yeah? So I'll get better at what I'm good at. Exploring, watching tutorials etcetera and moving stuff here and there would do I suppose. I do have a plan and I'm going to execute it. (Picturing the plan being an actual being and me executing it hah).

I may not be doing an internship like the rest of my whole effing class is and we're supposed to be. My GPA might be dropping weirdly +14 points as it has never before this year. I might not want to see anyone and cry for hours (well I've gotten control of this now). I may get pangs of relentless feeling of not being able to belong somewhere, maybe anywhere with anyone. My sketching might have gotten rough. I may be leaving my work halfway through. BUT. I'LL GET THRU THIS! Oh, yes I shall. I always have and I will not give up now. I have come this far. Two decades and some years... Not now will I succumb to mindly demons. I'll do this all with a strong heart, a smile, teary eyes and weary legs, passionate gait and piercing eyes. Ever watchful gaze.

xoxo
🐾

P.S. it rained so much today. The water got into my room and the living room. But it was so beautiful. Hearing the raindrops smash like bolts of fire on the window glass. Trees wiggling like ribbons in a warm, spring morning. Lalalalala.  

P.S.S I'll post a tutorial post here about Premiere and WordPress once I'm there. (:

Random tales

Distortion, controlling almost most of the stuff and people around you, things lying around in your rooms in a orderly or disorderly mess is alright. One cannot iron the world and wear it how they deem necessary. However tweaking it, adapting and surviving is up to you. Endless thoughts running in your head about a certain task is okay, at times. Not doing things in order is cool. I'm talking about this as I've been, since a child, always been keen about the nitty gritty details. To have everything in order, hoping nothing would go wrong and whining while it did. People respecting your boundaries and privacy. Not peeking into your matters or personal space as it's a concept alien to many. I then realized this was something that was going to happen inevitably. Coupled up with experiences (which I'm very thankful for), and observations and deductions (yes, I absolutely love and adore Sherlock). Assertiveness was something I wasn't familiar with a couple of years ago. I got prone to, maximizing the non-issues. This led to a build up in anxiety and a force I had to reckon with so strongly and it has almost felt like a battlefield ever since. And aiming for perfectionism. While perfectionism is not bad in it's entirety. It can be a nuisance at times, as it can riddle your mind. It has been classified by mental health professionals as something that raises discord in our lives. It can explicitly and implicitly lead to obsession and compulsion further causing OCD and other related conditions. I'd also further mention that I felt so riveted to talk about it as I've gained a bit of insight at least that much to talk about it a tiny bit. This is not even near scratching the surface what tens of thousands of human beings face worldwide. Every day, every moment while you read this and breathe. Every second!
Viewing things from a cracked point of view is okay. Making a thing so hilarious and laughing at it limitlessly is perfectly normal. As long as it makes you happy and is productive or makes someone else's time worthwhile. Someone who needs it. But then of course, always empathize and respect each person's boundaries. It's not being reserved or them pushing you away..

It's the smallest of things that matter and always will. Contentment is within your soul waiting to be explored. Living in the moment is what you've got to do. Happiness is what you create.

Away

Deep down, inside my heart, I know it'll be ending maybe soon. I'll be going soon. Although I desire that He gives me more time with my loved ones. But when it comes to it, I pray that my buddy and mum be by my side when He takes me. I really do. And that their pain is eased...

Quaid ka paigham

Oh well. So only three minutes have passed. No worriessss

Happy Yaum-e-Takbeer.
Alhumdulillah.
On May 28th Pakistan became a Nuclear power with Grace. May Allah protect us in front of any adversity and from all odds. Ameen.

#togetherwewill #PakistanZindabad #UnityFaithDiscipline

PS. These days I just feel like listening to Jinnah the movie's Junoon se aur ishq se SO much. Coming from ancestors who migrated here.. hearing all those harrowing tales of sadness, grief and terror and torture... Heartbreaking.. I'll be making an archive and a graphic novel on this IA!

Not here to stay

There's so much to say
It's been a long time
Stories untold, times slowly unfold
A part of me,
Wants to set my soul free
Does it even matter?
It pleas
For nobody is here to stay
Life is just a bit of what this universe has to offer
A tiny speck of dust
Whirling through this mighty existence
Timeless and infinite
Let your imagination go wild
Let them all flow
Through the rivers of divine perception
Forget and let go
Smile and live in those smallest of moments
They'll all be one day,
Unforgettable tales 
No need to rush,
Whats best is slow
Erase all the traces of reality
But never let yourself go
Don't forget the way back
Nor let yourself lose your head
A time will come
When it will all pass
Light and an endless calm
Memories lost in an abyss
A silent bliss that shall always prevail
It was all worth it nevertheless
Nothing really matters in the end
As we all are not here to stay

Heal the World

All of us really need to do this and we can make this world a better place. xx



https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/cognitive-dissonance/how-why-reduce-cognitive-dissonance-you-feel/

PS. Reminds me of M.Jacksons soundtrack.

PPS. AllahYarKhan and the legend of Markhor will be an amazing watch! All the more reason to love animated films more and more! :)

                                                                                              Image: Not mine

I was reading some parents comments about how fifth graders should watch Infinity War and I was like (to myself) what is even going on in their minds. Its rated G for their growth's sake. It was funny to see how some kids used their parents accounts to type in their wants. Haha. Childhood really is beautiful. I hope I make my DeeJees and Snow's better.

Edit: My 2-D game seems to be inspired by the core ideas, I didn't know that surprisingly. Hmm. Need more brainstorming. Lalalalalalalalalalalalala... 

Of niceties and animal shelters

Pacifica is a nice app. Love it's soundscapes! Especially the Summer night one. Takes you to another place.  Playing video games after so many years, tbh, I used to play talking Tom gold run and subway surfers, once upon a time I used to play virtual cop, age of empires, spider Man etcetera. And now. I'm evolving. Haha
Slowie

These Summers, I'm not going to focus on improving my social skills as being with crowds ain't my things. I'm going to focus on self- growth. Self-realization and reflection. Untangle it all. And let go of everything. Make peace with my dark side, embrace it and befriend it rather than battling it. Make it a better me. I don't know what's going to happen next. I hope I'm forgiven.

PSS. If anyone wants to work on forming an animal shelter in Lahore email me @ mishaal.linguist@gmail.com
I'd love to hear your views, proposals and outlook. xx

PS. My portrait sketching skills telling me to apply for Interpol or somethings sketch artists *ironically speaking xD* *inner-criminology-love-rekindling*

And please pray my first video games gets out fineeeeee. And my mind cooperates. xD

The Month of All Months

Ramazan Kareem is here, just like a blink of an eye. Second fast already.
Time. And space. How they drive the universe and how they're driven by Him. Alhumdulillah.

Ramazan Mubarak to every Muslim out there. May Allah SWT protect us from the evil that prevails. Actually we really are half evil and cannot blame satan at all. The monsters reside in ourselves. That's the irreparably hardest thing to realize and accept. The sooner we do, the better. May He grant us the conscience to forgive and forget, to be merciful and to spread peace and happiness. To save our brothers and sisters in need and provide for them. To clean our environment. To clean our own selves. And so on
.....

PS. Lastly, whoever is reading this, do pray for me. JazakAllah.
#GodBlessPakistan #HumanityMatters

Recite as much as you can and donate to the needy. Help others. Treat them like you'd like to be treated.

Ta-da

http://art-sheep.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/trainspotting.jpg

Cool mayn!'

Collision

I really need to leave. Everything. A break. From people. Things. School. Food. Family. My mind. All of it.
Just me and my Lord and some mountains. And erm, books. My player too. xoxo

This is me being rational. And not negative or pessimistic. I accept my dissonance. I will learn to live with it. It's what makes me too. Even if the whole world collides and leaves. Doesn't matter.

Let go

No one is going to rescue me. Nobody is free enough. I have got to understand that everyone is fighting a fight of their own. Sweet little sometimes bitter fights. Its upto us to get up or remain fallen.

Well.

I choose to be a survivor, I AM. I will always be. **** all the things that need effing up :)

Existence is temporary and at the same immortal, you will always stay in Gods eyes and that's all you need. I recently found out I have a thing for perfectionism. Well. Honestly, I should not. It raises your stress levels. And in extreme cases and people prone to deviating, leads to some risky stuff. Risk is a part of life however. I am starting to start the habits I left or simply felt disinterested in. I am starting to accept and realize. This dawn is beautiful. Dysfunctionality at times is helpful and your strength. So I need to embrace it and ride the wave.
Lets get done with this semester. Well, to start. With the day, and I shall get with the week, the month and of course the semester. Senior year kind of here. You don not need other to be with you or stay with you. Those who have to will. Those who will not and don't be thankful that they don't cuz it shows the reality of life and its good for you.

PS. Sophie's world is an amazing read! Still halfway through after a year. Intense. Really.


Will say adios with this player in my life. xoxo

Insensitivity and it's repercussions

Insensitivity prevails so much these days. Even I'm getting prone to it. We all are, aren't we? I need to understand, however, everyone has their own battles going on. Everyone is figuring out something. Dealing with the bs life and the world throws at themselves. Therefore, we should understand that it'll be okay and Oh, no. (Baymax style huehehehehe)

There's just So much to say. I'll keep it to myself, though :)

Adios


PS. Disserting whether to finish web design or watch Shield. Lalalalalalala. 

Beyond

Beyond the stars,
Through their infinite light
And brightest of times
I know you're there
In the darkest of days
You are always there
Watching over
Looking for me
I know you'll always be there
For I'll return to you
My dear Lord
I could never be thankful enough
And I'm sorry for all the wrong
That has been done by my soul
I hope I will always know
And you'll be there 

Nobody knows anyone... 

The Final Break

Recently on a journey of self-exploration, in my own little ways. By His help. Infinity. into. infinity. These little pecks of the universe drive me to learn more about the reason of our existence. I am reaching some conclusions, however, the learning won't ever stop.. drifting into a timeless oblivion. Questions that need answers. Answers that need to be dissected blalalala. I will make it through. I shall. That, I know off. 

Hover over the link and click to read further on:

The dawn of skyscrapers: Fazlur Rahman Khan; Einstein of structural engineering.

And I try to wonder even after loving this stuff whether I should go for or will go for Architecture or not. It's just so beautiful, forms, space and the intense infinity attached to it. All the same, design does entail everything.

OF ALL, why I even researched about Structural Engineers(ing). CUZ MICHAEL SCOFIELD! The way he operates, feels etcetera. It's limitless... Even inspired my board game. *


PS. Search and research; lalala. Oh the gravity. :)

*Here's a link to the Behance and deviantArt profiles of this soul where you will find some tiniest bit of work I've done: 

...

Why don't we focus on learnt behavior and its perks with the repercussions...?
Why are stigmas so rudimentary to be used? Are labels really necessary? Is it so important to submit to dogmas?
These may seem statements, nothing else. Per se, these are explosions. Infinite ripples throughout anything and everything.


PS. Its not an issue, still need a tissue :P 

DJ the cat, Humbee the Human

I just realizeddddddd my cat's tooth broke from traumaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa NOOOOOOOOOOO

PS. Entry: April the 19th, Twenty Eighteen: It was a milk teeth (always bad with tooth teeth foot feet lol) khayr, he's only just a tiny baby so yah. Sweet little joy of fur, a gift from Allah. <3 <3 <3


PPS. Coding seems French to me at times. web (de-sign) de-signing web idk if that makes sense.


Moiz Shaukat, a dear human being, friend and an aptly amazing individual was diagnosed with Osteopetrosis (Stone Bone)  'also known as marble bone disease, Albers-Schönberg disease'. Kindly pray for him. Pakistan is proud of you. Humankind is proud of you. 

Refs: Wikipedia 

Once Upon A Time

Someone once asked if I lost a _________ once, well I guess I did. I just didn't realize it soon? I hope God helps me get them back. Wrecking havoc even in my hypothetical world too. '.' (Emoji copyrights reserved) 

The things we say, belief we forget...

Moments ago, you were on the brink of crying. Letting it all lose. You push people away. So nefariously, I guess? You cannot forget, note this, etch this in your heart, for yourself, Mishaal. You cannot forget the people around you especially your loved ones. Because when you lose it, they're going to be there. And if you drive them away.. you'd have nobody to lean onto. To hear you out and w.e. So just, hold it together and don't fret. Apologize and don't complain or talk until its really needed. Words have a way of coming back to you. People have a way of letting go of you. Ergo, do not! The world will never care or change. Get attuned to it, dearie. Well, I need to tell this to my migranes and everything too. I may never express it, but I never lie and I never betray. Well, I do ditch (let go would rather suffice here), now.
Well, even if they leave, HE'll always be there. HE will always listen. When you're engulfed into spasms of endless darkness and the stars seem so far away, your Lord will guide you and never give up on you...


P.S. If anyone would ever like to collaborate on a book I left writing years ago, feel free to drop in a message at the aforementioned ID. It's like halfway through, if memory serves correctly.  mishaal.linguist@gmail.com


Merci

P.P.S. Prison Break and Typography have stolen my heart. I can't wait for infinity war. Game and web design is so awesome yet amazingly intense. Universal design is something we all should live for. I got the FIRST EVERRRRRR warning letter of my life. Yaaayy. Albeit, I have to formulate a calculated-risky-pre-emptive-strategy to counter w.e. in case sth happens. And CIMUN, I love you forever. Exhaustion has ripped my brains off. Blalalalalalalalalala. Now, I hope we as a class finish the Last Supper tomorrow, jbtw my first ever oil painting.

Adios. 

Directors to watch

Christopher Nolan
Darren Aronofsky 
Wes Anderson
Quentin Tarantino
Michael Moore
Alfred Hitchcock
Clint Eastwood
Woody Allen
James Cameron
Steven Spielberg

P.S. No clue what I am up to.