What am I doing?

It was just a thought I guess. A memory, or thought, something I supposedly created and imagined that it was there. Superficial? Only what I imagined or believed I felt? Unrequited love I might even have called it HAHA. I still feel the remnants of it though, peculiarly. Its really awkward and weird to write about this. Not that I resent it now. Well, some things come to pass as they are meant to be no matter how much we avoid them. But I've made peace with it and I have moved on. Let go like I should have. Period.

What am I even doing? Writing about it... thinking about it again.. it's been months.. years lol. Not a big deal. I've got so much to conquer and lots at stake. Whats mind will come to me.

xoxo 

So it Begins. Like it always does.

I would go on a rant and how my web design instructor really didn't go through the course rigorously and properly, or guided us in the right direction (well that he did). But I won't. Not with the relapse going on.
I do love codes, if I'd known some years, might as well could have been that I chose that field of study but I'm so thankful for where I am today. I'll get the hang of website design. Infact I'm toying with it these days and loving it. It's just the technical parts that really make my head hurt. I have to overcome that. But hey, no one is perfect, yeah? So I'll get better at what I'm good at. Exploring, watching tutorials etcetera and moving stuff here and there would do I suppose. I do have a plan and I'm going to execute it. (Picturing the plan being an actual being and me executing it hah).

I may not be doing an internship like the rest of my whole effing class is and we're supposed to be. My GPA might be dropping weirdly +14 points as it has never before this year. I might not want to see anyone and cry for hours (well I've gotten control of this now). I may get pangs of relentless feeling of not being able to belong somewhere, maybe anywhere with anyone. My sketching might have gotten rough. I may be leaving my work halfway through. BUT. I'LL GET THRU THIS! Oh, yes I shall. I always have and I will not give up now. I have come this far. Two decades and some years... Not now will I succumb to mindly demons. I'll do this all with a strong heart, a smile, teary eyes and weary legs, passionate gait and piercing eyes. Ever watchful gaze.

xoxo
🐾

P.S. it rained so much today. The water got into my room and the living room. But it was so beautiful. Hearing the raindrops smash like bolts of fire on the window glass. Trees wiggling like ribbons in a warm, spring morning. Lalalalala.  

P.S.S I'll post a tutorial post here about Premiere and WordPress once I'm there. (:

Random tales

Distortion, controlling almost most of the stuff and people around you, things lying around in your rooms in a orderly or disorderly mess is alright. One cannot iron the world and wear it how they deem necessary. However tweaking it, adapting and surviving is up to you. Endless thoughts running in your head about a certain task is okay, at times. Not doing things in order is cool. I'm talking about this as I've been, since a child, always been keen about the nitty gritty details. To have everything in order, hoping nothing would go wrong and whining while it did. People respecting your boundaries and privacy. Not peeking into your matters or personal space as it's a concept alien to many. I then realized this was something that was going to happen inevitably. Coupled up with experiences (which I'm very thankful for), and observations and deductions (yes, I absolutely love and adore Sherlock). Assertiveness was something I wasn't familiar with a couple of years ago. I got prone to, maximizing the non-issues. This led to a build up in anxiety and a force I had to reckon with so strongly and it has almost felt like a battlefield ever since. And aiming for perfectionism. While perfectionism is not bad in it's entirety. It can be a nuisance at times, as it can riddle your mind. It has been classified by mental health professionals as something that raises discord in our lives. It can explicitly and implicitly lead to obsession and compulsion further causing OCD and other related conditions. I'd also further mention that I felt so riveted to talk about it as I've gained a bit of insight at least that much to talk about it a tiny bit. This is not even near scratching the surface what tens of thousands of human beings face worldwide. Every day, every moment while you read this and breathe. Every second!
Viewing things from a cracked point of view is okay. Making a thing so hilarious and laughing at it limitlessly is perfectly normal. As long as it makes you happy and is productive or makes someone else's time worthwhile. Someone who needs it. But then of course, always empathize and respect each person's boundaries. It's not being reserved or them pushing you away..

It's the smallest of things that matter and always will. Contentment is within your soul waiting to be explored. Living in the moment is what you've got to do. Happiness is what you create.