Just a narrative I
wrote to depict the thoughts, feelings of a lone, ignored, depressed and sad
soul. It’s that no matter how much we say to someone else that we can feel what
they feel; only the person going through that pain knows what it’s like to be
there. Only if we go through that situation, we realize how hard and tormenting
it is to be there. So don’t judge anyone ever in your life, you may become the
reason they feel worse.
I feel like a wreck,
a worthless freak treading their way through darkness and lonely paths to seek
absolution, salvation and love. Nobody cares if I die or live. It just doesn't matter
and probably won’t. And I'm so stupid and utterly idiotic that I keep on
clinging to this fake and false hope to be wanted, cared and loved by friends,
deceiving my heart making it bleed with pain and irony. I need attention but I
don't think I'll ever get it. I'm the, always to start a conversation, every
Damn single time except two or three of my friends. I think the world of them
and here they are with their ignorant attitudes. I mean fine, if they don’t
like me or don’t want to talk with me just say it on my face and cut the
friggin crap. I have to and need to stop chasing after people. And then only
those who'll come back to me would be the ones to whom I matter.
Sometimes I imagine
myself dying thinking and fantasizing the ways in which I could possibly die. I
am nothing at all without my thinking and world of imagination. It’s all I have
and God of course.
I've been feeling
really lonely, sad, helpless and hopeless lately since few weeks. Its tearing
me down as time passes by. It’s so frustrating and agonizing. Painful as well.
I feel like nobody loves me. Though I know and realize some people do love me
and care for me. I don’t know I just can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything now.
Everything just seems so meaningless and purposeless. I don’t feel like doing
things I felt great doing before, life just seems so bleak. I think I’m going
back into depression. Suicidal thoughts and flashbacks of my terrible past are
invading my mind frequently. I feel like a loser and total pathetic failure. It’s
terribly stressful. I am trying to meditate and divert my mind by indulging
myself in studies and other activities but nothings helping at all. I want to
give up and let my guard down to the devil and negative thoughts but something’s
holding me back. I know that I should focus on the positive aspects of my life
and ponder upon short term goals but I can’t bloody do that for God-knows-what
reasons! I’m fed up of living like this. I can’t gather myself up and am being
constantly deviated from my aims and goals. I miss my true friends which are
really very few. People hardly talk with me. I feel so worthless and like a
complete wreck. I feel badly ignored by those who are so close to me or those
whom I want to be close to me. But I can’t force people to love me or be with
me. I want to be with people but at the same moment I want to be alone, far
away from here and in a place where nobody can disturb me and where there's
peace, music, someone I love, prolly a friend and mountains. I want to make a
difference in this world but I'm scared of something unknown and unidentified.
It makes me feel insanely insecure. I feel like I've lost it.
