Um I don’t really know if the title goes with the content, well, I
think and I guess it does but still… never mind. Thoughts from my lunatic mind.
:P
Shadows of past haunt me as I breathe. Every moment that
passes by I feel more restless because of the past I have even when I don’t
remember it I’m stuck there, holding onto something I should let go off, or,
something that I need to get over with already. I recall my pats in bits and
pieces, which are really not worth putting in words because if I will do that
it will tear my already torn heart badly which I don’t want to do and can’t
afford at all. Sometimes I wonder about the mistakes I’ve made but then I think
if it hadn’t been for those mistakes I would’ve not gotten this far and learned
what I’ve to this very day. Those sufferings that have hurt me and still do, of
course they will always be a source of pain but I smile when I realize and
acknowledge the person they’ve made me, the stronger, bold and courageous me.
But, when I think of the lives my actions and behavior have affected I so get
downtrodden by guilt that I cannot even describe the feeling. It’s just utterly
miserable and agonizing. And I want those people to know, if I’ve ever hurt
them in any way, misguided them, lashed my wrath upon them or made them feel
miserable in any way whatsoever, that I’m extremely sorry for whatever I did to
you. It still stabs me when I think of it, and the guilt keeps killing me. No
explication can ever do justice to put the things right which I wronged.
Friends, they care for you, love you and it’s a great
comfort, the relationship called friendship. I can count on my friends when I count on
nobody else but some friends they ignore me really bad and it makes me sad.
Some have betrayed me unknowingly, some have knowingly. I was never really and
still am not a family cleft person. I prefer being alone but at the same moment
want to be with people who appreciate me, make me laugh and with whom I feel
good with, people who’re like me, who want to know the real me. I’ve been
misjudged a lot of times. People don’t say it on your face but really, I’m not
that stupid that I don’t get it. It’s a Fact that we get vibes from others
whether they like us or not and trust me the number of vibes I’ve got from
people not wanting to be with me, or those who don’t want to talk or befriend
me is way too frigging high. And it totally doesn’t mean that I think
negatively, well I used to but not now. It makes me go all low and blued but
now finally I’m learning to let go of people. I’ve keep chasing after people
who don’t care whether I live or not, who don’t trust me, who don’t want to
talk with me or probably just don’t like me. At first I took it on my heart so
much that I always kept thinking I’m unlikable but then I realized I’m not
unlikable I just have to try and stick around those people who I already have
and who are always there for me. Jeez, people think we’re hitting on them when
in actuality we just want to talk with them and get to know them. This is so
hilarious and pathetic but heck, I don’t care and nobody should. Those ditchers and ignorant people should burn
in hell FTW. xD
Despite of all those high hopes and desires we have
treachery always befalls us somehow and destroys the charisma of seeking what
we want but it depends on us, our thinking, whether we want to give up or not
and I’m not the one who’ll give up, ever. I get so drenched in regrets and
endless thoughts that they sometimes drive me insanely crazy. Lolz. I say
people don’t understand me but have I ever considered the thought of not
understanding them? No, it’s just that I’m too broken to do so. Uh well I have
gathered my broken self up but still the fragments remain. Perhaps some, which
can never be picked up and fixed. I really am not saying that I am weak or
vulnerable or something but stating the truth here. And I really don’t care
what people say about me or as to whatever judgments forms in their minds about
my personality. Seriously, I don’t give a shit. We all know what happens when
one starts speaking up against all odds and retaliate. Worse happens. People
think you’re just nudging but they’re greatly wronged and unaware of the heart,
the soul that has been stomped on infinite times, wrecked by the tortures
inflicted upon it but still lingering there somewhere, surviving because of its
utter strength. The moment when you’re on the brink of crying and breaking up,
when you want to let go of peace and hope and your struggle for what you want.
The pain that surfaces at that moment is overwhelming and stops your mind. It
makes you go insane and you lose your conscience. That’s when you do things
that haunt you for the rest of your life.
OKAY, NOW BEFORE I GO ALL NUTS AND CRAZY I REALLY SHOULD
STOP WRITING THIS. REALLY. LOL.
