No, Not that please

So I just tried to grab DJ from the floor without bending much and jerked off the knee a bit, actually that bit felt like a thousand tsunamis hitting my insides. And now the resonance is unfathomable.. It makes my cry sometimes, near tears not the actual thing. People are going through like so much more right? Pain and all other stuff wise. Not comparing, okay. I need this to be fine soon. Not in the final semester and when I have to get so much stuff done myself. Which I can ask help for but I hate asking someone else for it especially living in social set-ups where asking someone especially if its coming from a female is like being dependent and giving power to some dipshit matriarchy riddled mindset. Okay, this is going to make me enraged so I'll stop here with this. Knee, please pretty knee heal soon. Hahaha.
I have so many pending college essays and I am not finishing them! Someone please write them for me and maybe food down my esophagus too. God. Watching Friends makes it a bit easier and eating lemon tarts. It kinda reminds me of my past/ex-friendships, how I used to give people so much importance when there place should have been under the trash bin, yes, very much. As if I did not know that they knew that I did not know. I planned to take driving lessons and now I can't with this knee, not for another month or two. The doc said this part is just for the outer ligaments. The inner part will come later. *keeps inserting crying and banging into the door emoji* And I think I need to change my phone number. Why do guys take your being nice and courteous as a sign of trying to be more than that, like chrissakes shove your egoism up your back already. Maybe it comes back at me? Well I have not been that bad of a stalker since lots of years now surprisingly. The depressive phase is almost gone albeit I still feel like eating a lot more than I used to. Stomach ins... no NO. NOT that! Please. Close that chapter and that vortex of overthinking-about-the-unpredictable starts knocking at my door. I'm not reading that much. This philosophy book I intend to read three times more so I can understand it, my thick skull well.
It's going to be alright. Gods, backing me up baby. No worries. I should just forget everything and write. Yes, yes that's what I'm going to do and procrastinate of course. 

More Is Less

Final semester! Applications. Doctors appointments. Breakdowns! Music. Cold. Beautiful Winters. My sinful tainted soul. Holding back. Tears. All that craziness and laughter. Moments. Lol why am I writing such short phrases. I'm butchering my writing skills. Lalala. It'll be fine. Blow it all away with a smirk. Oh and I am sooo geared up for the Night king, Endgame, captain Marvel. I uhhhh okay I'll watch Glass at the cinema, I mean McAvoy, Bruce, Sarah and Samuel in a movieee. Oh and my craving for sweet stuff although I balance the carbs and calories w.e but I cannot walk properly *cries* I did the partial thesis/ final year project the theme centering around existential crisis, chasing ones passions which might as well be procrastination. Funny. Crazy. Yeah. Well, I can't help it. I'll have to live with it and shoo it away. Then there was what i call it a obnoxious paradox. We do so much and yet for a Designer nothing is enough like ever, it's always 'More is Less'. And well then we go running like loonies after minimalism which is so slender and beautiful to craft and work with, we shout 'Less it More'. But in that More it's always gonna be less. Okay I might go bonkers here.

PS. Never ever get a knee injury! And I'm lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvin Friends

Oh oh oh and me and my really classy friends played this escape-without-paying-the-bill-prank, got threatened to be arrested, laughed at, laughed ourselves to death, got fined, totally unfair. But well IT WAS WORTH IT!!! 

Pieces, Support and Oblivion

Its been a really long while since I wrote anything. It's been somewhat really overwhelming for me since a couple of weeks. Since the relapse early this year, things have gotten really surprisingly better albeit I'm still on meds. No worries. I've fallen into deepest of crevasses and have found myself pulling me up and I've met some cool badass people too haha. New experiences are always good I guess. It feels so calm, serene, to share, laugh it out, curse it out and yeah let it out, say it to those who know what it's like to go something like this. Mental-health issues are not like a fracture that can be cured in a matter of time. They stick with you till the end. You just gotta know how to get over them, stop them from getting the best of you. Anxiety made me see stuff so blurry and all, well not now, not ever now! You get called out at by irrevocably disgusting words, from those so close to you. Not anymore, I mean my being close to them. People are not my thing. Certainly, not those who respect me or at least have the courtesy to shut their mouths. I'm done in these scenarios. Like eternally. I found this online support group which has been really helpful. There isn't any in-person support group system here, I'm planning to start one and collab with other people too re this. Managing and switching between senior year work, internship, finding a suitable issue to address in the final year project,. Promulgating the desire for research, managing extra circulars, filling in grad school apps, chasing after RISDeeeee, write, manage your hobbies, family time etcetera etcetera can be reaally overwhelming for me but well, I know how to go about it. Its not the destination after all 
I'd gotten so used to scoring highest that when I hit rock-bottom last semester, the GPA fell straight 14 or 16 points down, when I was so near of dropping out of college lol. I heard stuff like 'dude, are you like on drugs or something? Intoxicated?' well I was kinda, cuz the initial meds didn't work so I had to change the doc. And that was when I realized people are okay with you when you are okay, nobody gives a slightest shit if you are suffering differently, more, cannot let it out, share, be normal, focus and stay in the classroom concentrate, meet deadlines... I got kinda really angry again and irritable, started overthinking so much lol. Anyway, Pets are so beautiful. Snow turned seven months old and plaaayah is one year old now. God I feel like squeezing his fur all day long, kissing him forever and looking in those infinitely amazing eyes. They have helped me soo much with all this. Escaping to your imaginary world is helpful too but don't stay there for too long that it comes gnawing at you if you're not there. We need to accept the dilemma we are as human beings, empathize every moment, be grateful and smile, be happy, stay happy, live and let live. And also accept that we aren't okay too. It's normal to not feel normal and sad and bad and crying so much. I get scared, I fear losing people, because I cannot afford losing those I have. Its totally okay and normal to feel this way maybe. We're so complex that if we start unraveling a human being and exploring the mystery they are, it'd probably take eons. Get this idea of binge-eating, won't though. So yeah. 
Live day by day, Moment by moment. Let it out, Let it Go. Love unconditionally. Help unreservedly. Crack like a fool endlessly *totally classy in a badass way*
I just really want to finish my book. I'm doing one of photography too. Maybe I'll include one in my project. I really hope it turns out fine-ish. 

PS. I finished Gossip girl, Once upon a time. Started watching Friends finally. Rewatched GoT. I cannot get through watching the final Avengers </3^<><> I have to follow-up with Mr. Robot, Apocalypse, wait, Cult before that. And. Suits. 

PSS. Lately I've been updating my stone-age old playlist. I've fallen in love these bands and musicians. Of monsters and men, Cigarettes after sex, Hooverphoonic, Twenty one pilots, Grouplove, Lorde and Ruelle etcetera etcetera 

PSSS. And lastly, Pieces, by Andrew Belle. 

History’s a letter made of scarlet
Victories look better when you’ve called it
Misery’s the moment when I lost you
It’s pleasure in a costume
It’s more than what it cost you 

SO YEAH! Laters xx 

Enigma

The world is so huge, the cosmos talking to you from every grain and every fibre. From the pink sand in the vast wilderness of the desert and beaches, to the endless strech of the raging ocean. From the misty mountains to the forests, dipped in murky shades of sun and gold. Shades of God, shades of might. So beautiful. Ever living. As infinite as one could travel.. 

Friction

I am so done with some stuff! Why do people just make it a point to wreck havic in someone else's life? (Not that one let's them, it's just their trashed innate thing). Why can't one live without being damnably associated with another person when they are an entire different being in their own and both have fucking lives of their own. Different preferences. And still being stuck together. Suggested to even pursue the same freakin career. I prefer solitude, it makes me  uncomfortable to share things with others. This is the way I am. And I am not sorry for this not do I need to prove this, and I can't think of another way to put this, as eerie as it sounds. I have changed, but this is way out of line. To have a worry thats not even mine. This may sound a bit too dramatic but it isn't! If there's one thing I've got to know about myself in the past few years of endless struggles to discover myself, it's my determination and will to never give up. I might do that a trillion times but in actuality it's nothing but something that's preparing me for what's yet to come. I believe falling down makes you get up with even more strength and valor. What they do to us, it's way too unfair. And when I'm driven to make choices that I don't want to make it makes my head spin. I don't want to do that. Its not even my place to ask of the other one those things but somehow I just have to. I really need this all to end soon. Just need calm and mountains. Rivers and the sky only. I've figured out maybe this is why our relationship is tainted..
Edit:
But I shall and should hope for the best. For in endurance is the beauty and when one's life blooms. I may cry relentlessly and close myself in the room for hours. That's recharging and letting it out. Not being selfish. I won't care if I have to fight the whole fucking world to get what I want. I won't care if I have to fight the whole damn universe to make my point clear and I won't care if I effing die, but I will not submit to someone's whimsical demands or scrutinized and oppressive attitude. I won't. That's the person I am. Will evolve to be.. 

Au rèvoir

Something

Idk who he was but it was a really hilarious and silly thing. Posing as someone's secret admirer. xD
But it taught me some really good stuff as well. So going to focus on that. Positivity ftw!

Ciao. xx

What am I doing?

It was just a thought I guess. A memory, or thought, something I supposedly created and imagined that it was there. Superficial? Only what I imagined or believed I felt? Unrequited love I might even have called it HAHA. I still feel the remnants of it though, peculiarly. Its really awkward and weird to write about this. Not that I resent it now. Well, some things come to pass as they are meant to be no matter how much we avoid them. But I've made peace with it and I have moved on. Let go like I should have. Period.

What am I even doing? Writing about it... thinking about it again.. it's been months.. years lol. Not a big deal. I've got so much to conquer and lots at stake. Whats mind will come to me.

xoxo 

So it Begins. Like it always does.

I would go on a rant and how my web design instructor really didn't go through the course rigorously and properly, or guided us in the right direction (well that he did). But I won't. Not with the relapse going on.
I do love codes, if I'd known some years, might as well could have been that I chose that field of study but I'm so thankful for where I am today. I'll get the hang of website design. Infact I'm toying with it these days and loving it. It's just the technical parts that really make my head hurt. I have to overcome that. But hey, no one is perfect, yeah? So I'll get better at what I'm good at. Exploring, watching tutorials etcetera and moving stuff here and there would do I suppose. I do have a plan and I'm going to execute it. (Picturing the plan being an actual being and me executing it hah).

I may not be doing an internship like the rest of my whole effing class is and we're supposed to be. My GPA might be dropping weirdly +14 points as it has never before this year. I might not want to see anyone and cry for hours (well I've gotten control of this now). I may get pangs of relentless feeling of not being able to belong somewhere, maybe anywhere with anyone. My sketching might have gotten rough. I may be leaving my work halfway through. BUT. I'LL GET THRU THIS! Oh, yes I shall. I always have and I will not give up now. I have come this far. Two decades and some years... Not now will I succumb to mindly demons. I'll do this all with a strong heart, a smile, teary eyes and weary legs, passionate gait and piercing eyes. Ever watchful gaze.

xoxo
🐾

P.S. it rained so much today. The water got into my room and the living room. But it was so beautiful. Hearing the raindrops smash like bolts of fire on the window glass. Trees wiggling like ribbons in a warm, spring morning. Lalalalala.  

P.S.S I'll post a tutorial post here about Premiere and WordPress once I'm there. (:

Random tales

Distortion, controlling almost most of the stuff and people around you, things lying around in your rooms in a orderly or disorderly mess is alright. One cannot iron the world and wear it how they deem necessary. However tweaking it, adapting and surviving is up to you. Endless thoughts running in your head about a certain task is okay, at times. Not doing things in order is cool. I'm talking about this as I've been, since a child, always been keen about the nitty gritty details. To have everything in order, hoping nothing would go wrong and whining while it did. People respecting your boundaries and privacy. Not peeking into your matters or personal space as it's a concept alien to many. I then realized this was something that was going to happen inevitably. Coupled up with experiences (which I'm very thankful for), and observations and deductions (yes, I absolutely love and adore Sherlock). Assertiveness was something I wasn't familiar with a couple of years ago. I got prone to, maximizing the non-issues. This led to a build up in anxiety and a force I had to reckon with so strongly and it has almost felt like a battlefield ever since. And aiming for perfectionism. While perfectionism is not bad in it's entirety. It can be a nuisance at times, as it can riddle your mind. It has been classified by mental health professionals as something that raises discord in our lives. It can explicitly and implicitly lead to obsession and compulsion further causing OCD and other related conditions. I'd also further mention that I felt so riveted to talk about it as I've gained a bit of insight at least that much to talk about it a tiny bit. This is not even near scratching the surface what tens of thousands of human beings face worldwide. Every day, every moment while you read this and breathe. Every second!
Viewing things from a cracked point of view is okay. Making a thing so hilarious and laughing at it limitlessly is perfectly normal. As long as it makes you happy and is productive or makes someone else's time worthwhile. Someone who needs it. But then of course, always empathize and respect each person's boundaries. It's not being reserved or them pushing you away..

It's the smallest of things that matter and always will. Contentment is within your soul waiting to be explored. Living in the moment is what you've got to do. Happiness is what you create.

Away

Deep down, inside my heart, I know it'll be ending maybe soon. I'll be going soon. Although I desire that He gives me more time with my loved ones. But when it comes to it, I pray that my buddy and mum be by my side when He takes me. I really do. And that their pain is eased...