I just really need to get this out of my system. I have my besties I can share this with but I need frikkin fucking facetime, not virtual bullshit. I've had up to here and it hurts so much so I learnt to detach myself years ago. From family, friends let alone anyone I got interested in. I do trust people but in reality, it's just hollow and shallow feelings I guess. Because everyone always leaves. Obviously, a lot of others have this problem but I can't just carry that on my shoulders can I?
People should not lead you down on the road they know they're going to abandon or leave you lurking on, whether its unintentional or intentional (which is really fucked up on their part). It's very bad, unfair and inhumane. It's not very wise of anyone to do that or considerate not that I expect something anymore from anyone. You cannot waltz in and out of someone's life you call your friend's life, make it seem like you care and then hear them accuse you of rude stuff and all. See that's why I just don't let people in. They walk all over you. Being by yourself is so much easier. Having besties is cool. And having a special someone even nicer. But life is all not about that. All the same, it's short and you have got to be quick. So I'm going to focus on my career and studies and let all those feelings whatever stuff slide by like a river which I cannot dive in. It's not staying in your comfort zone, it's about making an informed decision to grow and be in a healthier positive and faithful relationship with yourself and your God. I've had so much to suffer from in my childhood (not going to paint a bleak picture because it isn't but it is as well, won't make sense to many and I like it that way cuz it makes it easier for me to stay calm. The less they know they better it stays for me). Cannot have people poking around for fun, vested agendas and stuff. There are these blank spaces in my memory, years where I don't even know what happened because I blacked them out. I've distanced myself from all that intimate stuff not because I find it weird or I'm asexual lol. I'm not. However, it's just I've had too much of it. Not being with people lol, I haven't really but I've had enough of others walking all over me, close ones, own blood (it does not affect me now. It hurts a bit and that's okay. It makes me cry and that is okay too. It makes me want to disappear and that is okay). But I'll not submit myself to that bullshit again. I'm stronger than that and more independent. I make my own decisions (most of them for now, not really but when I need to I will, even if that means rebelling and fighting and getting thrown out of my own house or whatever the fuck is supposed to happen haha).
The world and superficial stuff online and over the TV has created all that fuzzy image of relationships in our heads our generation and younger ones. It makes us expect more, from friendships, parents siblings, life, partners and everthing that comes with the package. Sad story. Everyone doubting and playing it all. After all, it's all just a game in which we'll be buried in the ground one day. Where was I. Yeah, so I don't have had time for that stuff, guys and all and maybe I don't. Better off without being on that path I don't know. I'll let life happen. I'll be just fine I know. I mean what the hell. I just don't want to get hurt again. It gets too much.
Reality gets too hard to sink in at times. But everything happens for a reason. And I'm happy some stuff happened. I won't take anything back and I'd do it all over again. I do believe the best in people and that they always have good in them. But if someone is nice to you you don't have to hide and act like you're indifferent and just portray yourself layered with something else. I can read people easily. Often.
Disappear
okay i started watching the vampire diaries ill write later... xoxo
People should not lead you down on the road they know they're going to abandon or leave you lurking on, whether its unintentional or intentional (which is really fucked up on their part). It's very bad, unfair and inhumane. It's not very wise of anyone to do that or considerate not that I expect something anymore from anyone. You cannot waltz in and out of someone's life you call your friend's life, make it seem like you care and then hear them accuse you of rude stuff and all. See that's why I just don't let people in. They walk all over you. Being by yourself is so much easier. Having besties is cool. And having a special someone even nicer. But life is all not about that. All the same, it's short and you have got to be quick. So I'm going to focus on my career and studies and let all those feelings whatever stuff slide by like a river which I cannot dive in. It's not staying in your comfort zone, it's about making an informed decision to grow and be in a healthier positive and faithful relationship with yourself and your God. I've had so much to suffer from in my childhood (not going to paint a bleak picture because it isn't but it is as well, won't make sense to many and I like it that way cuz it makes it easier for me to stay calm. The less they know they better it stays for me). Cannot have people poking around for fun, vested agendas and stuff. There are these blank spaces in my memory, years where I don't even know what happened because I blacked them out. I've distanced myself from all that intimate stuff not because I find it weird or I'm asexual lol. I'm not. However, it's just I've had too much of it. Not being with people lol, I haven't really but I've had enough of others walking all over me, close ones, own blood (it does not affect me now. It hurts a bit and that's okay. It makes me cry and that is okay too. It makes me want to disappear and that is okay). But I'll not submit myself to that bullshit again. I'm stronger than that and more independent. I make my own decisions (most of them for now, not really but when I need to I will, even if that means rebelling and fighting and getting thrown out of my own house or whatever the fuck is supposed to happen haha).
The world and superficial stuff online and over the TV has created all that fuzzy image of relationships in our heads our generation and younger ones. It makes us expect more, from friendships, parents siblings, life, partners and everthing that comes with the package. Sad story. Everyone doubting and playing it all. After all, it's all just a game in which we'll be buried in the ground one day. Where was I. Yeah, so I don't have had time for that stuff, guys and all and maybe I don't. Better off without being on that path I don't know. I'll let life happen. I'll be just fine I know. I mean what the hell. I just don't want to get hurt again. It gets too much.
Reality gets too hard to sink in at times. But everything happens for a reason. And I'm happy some stuff happened. I won't take anything back and I'd do it all over again. I do believe the best in people and that they always have good in them. But if someone is nice to you you don't have to hide and act like you're indifferent and just portray yourself layered with something else. I can read people easily. Often.
Disappear
okay i started watching the vampire diaries ill write later... xoxo
