Absence of presence..

I can't believe you're gone.... But you'll always be with me my everything.. I was a part of like you were mine, for I came from you.. Amma... There are no words.......... None....

Rabbir HumHuma Kama Raba Yaani Sagheera Ya Rab Ul Alameen 🤲🏽 

Can't let the mets win, can we eh

Eons since 🖋ed here. I used to read about metastasis, first heard about it in Grey's anatomy during high school, lymphoma and God knows what and the bugging research bug 🐛 that resides in this brain obv pushed me to overthink and read whatever my 🍳 🧠 could handle process whatever. I never knew I'd have to deal w it first hand, let alone deal with something like palliative care, EOL talks and then this all these discussions even before this during my grandfathers icu stay............ ? It's all just temporary I believe, I have faith, that's all we have don't we. Allah fixes everything. He's the best of planners. He's the master of the nano particles, cells every tiny bit. Our every step is decreed, every decision, every breath. Why do we sigh, oh dreary souls of the lost world. There's always light at the end of the tunnel. 

We just gotta hold onto one thing, His rope and defeat these tiny stupid mets!! Not in the game, the body *brain fried emoji* 

Maher Zain - Palestine Will Be Free | ماهر زين - فلسطين سوف تتحرر | Offi...

Why Matthew Gray Gubler Lives in a "Haunted Tree House"

Revolt

I fear I may get a schizophrenic break as people do in their 20s. I already have some delusional mental health condition heh. Not diagnosed but I know something isn't right. It hasn't been since years. I've always felt deviant from those around me, not in a bad or awry sense but, it makes me question and dig for answers. Nobody believes someone who has been on meds for sometime, especially when they haven't been through it themselves. It's you and the unidentifiable abyss of the ocean like thoughts of yours which make you go bonkers at times. You have these moments of clarity amidst the blurry days, a lot of moments when you've gotten stronger by fighting it. And you hang onto them. But sometimes it feels so easier to let go and let the moment drive you to whatever awaits. I suppose I'll have to wait and see, won't I? Something isn't right, doesn't mean I miss out on other things I have in my life. Things I have come a long way to witness and live and.. . Sometimes, I do let my brain wonder too far, that is for sure. Maybe that has led me to this state but I do need the escape sometimes. Fantasizing about something. Talking with imaginary folks. Living some times and days, hypothetically. If it makes me happy, I think I'll stick to it. Rather be crazy than sit like a blank bleak emotionless void. 

Random Ramblings pt.1

Too many questions
Untimely thoughts
Pounding my head
Shaking my soul
A race against time
About those believes
Enough of justification
Hostile projections
Misunderstood demeanor
Hollow depths
Withering conscience
Decisions unknown
Mistakes I've made
Memories that were long made peace with
Come to haunt me
In the silence of night
During the daylight
Flashes of shadows
That I run away from
I cannot shake away
But continue I shall
For the quest is to live for
A never ending journey
With no destination
An end makes it all unworthy
So the journey will go and on
This fight for the cause
Shall carry on 

Free

Nothing lasts forever, Sometimes things just aren't meant to be,
Even if you chase it relentlessly,
Chasing what's gone hurts you more
Just know that you'll miss what was,
For a while
Acceptance is the key
Don't forget
People come and leave, no need to grieve
That's a part of our destiny
Embrace the aura of happiness unreservedly,
You deserve more, something better
Things that were shall be memories
Just remember it was good while it lasted
Not everything is as tainted as it seems
Not everyone is dark, rude or stubborn as they seem 
So we just gotta let go
Let it stay in the past,
Quite peculiar to be revisited
Something that won't effect us
Let ourselves heal,
What's yours, will find you no matter what
Let your soul blossom with contentment
Your heart cleansed with sunshine
And set yourself free

Stuff

I just really need to get this out of my system. I have my besties I can share this with but I need frikkin fucking facetime, not virtual bullshit. I've had up to here and it hurts so much so I learnt to detach myself years ago. From family, friends let alone anyone I got interested in. I do trust people but in reality, it's just hollow and shallow feelings I guess. Because everyone always leaves. Obviously, a lot of others have this problem but I can't just carry that on my shoulders can I? 
People should not lead you down on the road they know they're going to abandon or leave you lurking on, whether its unintentional or intentional (which is really fucked up on their part). It's very bad, unfair and inhumane. It's not very wise of anyone to do that or considerate not that I expect something anymore from anyone. You cannot waltz in and out of someone's life you call your friend's life, make it seem like you care and then hear them accuse you of rude stuff and all. See that's why I just don't let people in. They walk all over you. Being by yourself is so much easier. Having besties is cool. And having a special someone even nicer. But life is all not about that. All the same, it's short and you have got to be quick. So I'm going to focus on my career and studies and let all those feelings whatever stuff slide by like a river which I cannot dive in. It's not staying in your comfort zone, it's about making an informed decision to grow and be in a healthier positive and faithful relationship with yourself and your God. I've had so much to suffer from in my childhood (not going to paint a bleak picture because it isn't but it is as well, won't make sense to many and I like it that way cuz it makes it easier for me to stay calm. The less they know they better it stays for me). Cannot have people poking around for fun, vested agendas and stuff. There are these blank spaces in my memory, years where I don't even know what happened because I blacked them out. I've distanced myself from all that intimate stuff not because I find it weird or I'm asexual lol. I'm not. However, it's just I've had too much of it. Not being with people lol, I haven't really but I've had enough of others walking all over me, close ones, own blood (it does not affect me now. It hurts a bit and that's okay. It makes me cry and that is okay too. It makes me want to disappear and that is okay). But I'll not submit myself to that bullshit again. I'm stronger than that and more independent. I make my own decisions (most of them for now, not really but when I need to I will, even if that means rebelling and fighting and getting thrown out of my own house or whatever the fuck is supposed to happen haha).
The world and superficial stuff online and over the TV has created all that fuzzy image of relationships in our heads our generation and younger ones. It makes us expect more, from friendships, parents siblings, life, partners and everthing that comes with the package. Sad story. Everyone doubting and playing it all. After all, it's all just a game in which we'll be buried in the ground one day. Where was I. Yeah, so I don't have had time for that stuff, guys and all and maybe I don't. Better off without being on that path I don't know. I'll let life happen. I'll be just fine I know. I mean what the hell. I just don't want to get hurt again. It gets too much.

Reality gets too hard to sink in at times. But everything happens for a reason. And I'm happy some stuff happened. I won't take anything back and I'd do it all over again. I do believe the best in people and that they always have good in them. But if someone is nice to you you don't have to hide and act like you're indifferent and just portray yourself layered with something else. I can read people easily. Often.

Disappear

okay i started watching the vampire diaries ill write later... xoxo 

Until then

If no one, understands God does. You need only to believe in Him. He has a better plan for you. Just don't hurt others and be patient. Do your part and He'll do His. It'll be worth it one day or in the end. If eating shitloads of chocolates make you happy, do it. If writing makes you happy and believing in fairy tales far away from the reality, living in them, pretending to be somewhere else makes you happy, do it. If watching something makes you happy do it. If talking to people do it, who are genuinely do it even if they turn out to be just some strangers who'll walk right past you, do it and don't look back. If that is what makes you happy. Don't chase after those who don't make you feel happy or wonderful. Who don't keep you as a priority and second option or don't even remember you. Who don't consider you someone worth your time. It's their loss. Just don't give a bloody shit and just DO IT! You've got this, you always will. Don't let mean people bully you into the angry person you're not. You're kind from within you'll stay the same. It just wasn't meant to be, so create something else, even if it's surreal. That's the best part. Until then...

Wrote this some weeks ago but didn't publish it, wont edit rn, too lazy

The world never fucking cares and so should you. Don't depend on anyone or let anyone be the reason for how you feel or think. Search that inner locus of control and hang onto it. Forever. And never let go of it.

Aunt cancer
Emotional wreck
Crying spells
Book vfx
Grad school planning deadlines passed pressure and scrutiny why I don't apply I have a rigid thinking still.mkt.good I know self critic a lot but not like before so progress!!!
Grab my cat and run away to a country or a cave far far away where nobody knows me for a long long time. Gotta make an effort for myself. Short term or long term plans

God never disappoints even if you are related with anybody in any frikkin way productive positive and proactive or toxic
Spiritually being stable is v imp the only corner you can turn to when nothing is working out human beings are just vessels of flesh even the soul a shadow of something one is not really is

Never let anyone especially your family that therapy is bad or not needed. Because it FUCKING IS! Shut all those toxic and conditioned or masked voices away and those that bounce back just let them in politely and forgive. For you deserve peace and stability.