Revolt

I fear I may get a schizophrenic break as people do in their 20s. I already have some delusional mental health condition heh. Not diagnosed but I know something isn't right. It hasn't been since years. I've always felt deviant from those around me, not in a bad or awry sense but, it makes me question and dig for answers. Nobody believes someone who has been on meds for sometime, especially when they haven't been through it themselves. It's you and the unidentifiable abyss of the ocean like thoughts of yours which make you go bonkers at times. You have these moments of clarity amidst the blurry days, a lot of moments when you've gotten stronger by fighting it. And you hang onto them. But sometimes it feels so easier to let go and let the moment drive you to whatever awaits. I suppose I'll have to wait and see, won't I? Something isn't right, doesn't mean I miss out on other things I have in my life. Things I have come a long way to witness and live and.. . Sometimes, I do let my brain wonder too far, that is for sure. Maybe that has led me to this state but I do need the escape sometimes. Fantasizing about something. Talking with imaginary folks. Living some times and days, hypothetically. If it makes me happy, I think I'll stick to it. Rather be crazy than sit like a blank bleak emotionless void.