Stuff

The Spring is blooming in its full essence. The gray dawning of soft and wool-y clouds, hide and seek of the sunlight, that aura just like its there in the mountains (I MISS YOU MY LOVE, MY DEAR MOUNTAINS!), those red flowers blossoming in their ever dazzling crimson like reds. And I was thinking this the other day on my way back home, that we must cherish and revere every slightest and minutest of the things. Even if the hand-band person next to you is wearing and especially if they are close to you, because it makes them happy. And seeing others smile with all their heart is the most important thing that matters!

MT (C) 

Visited the cities zoo after ages, for a quick sketching project. I JUST FELT LIKE HUGGING THOSE ADORABLE PUMAS(I guess I've already written about it but anyway, doesn't matter). Charcoals are such blissful medium! Yay. :D

PS. What's a charcoal? A thing that has four coals in it? (Given that 'char' in charcoal is called the numerical alphabet 4, four in the Urdu language (Older origins: Sanskrit and some other languages), reportedly.

And NOW, NOW, NOW. What's modelling clay? Well, obvvvvvvv a clay that models. On a runway. xD 

Unsaid unsaid

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/end-of-life-care/what-to-expect-when-someone-is-near-death.html 

I hope nobody gets to go through this. Ever. Physically or see their loved ones just fade in front of them ... 

If you have a cancer survivor in your family, make every moment count with them. Life is very very short ... . 

Random ramblings

Never ever go for aggressive treatment for your loved one if and when diagnosed with a terminal illness, take out small but clear moments of decision making + istikhara for the biggest decisions... (SOLELY FOCUSED WITH, BY AND ABOUT THE PATIENT) who is a LIVING BREATHING human being with relations, their own preferences, wills and journey.. Their involvement is their right too because it's their body and nobody knows what's going on inside better than oneself.. masking hiding ignoring neglecting preferring blah blah blah that's another whole stuff...

When Dr Zeba told mama in the last appointment, '..bachon keliye krwa lou.. agr himmat hai' I now realize the words were by Allah's beautiful design signalling to mama her body has limited time on this earth... To prepare for her last moments long before she left this world .. for her attendants her daughter who was their that time 

Then at every apt her statement 'everyday is a bonus with her' it was for me, for her children for her relations.... A disclosure to us in soft terms that we've got less time left... And by Allah's grand design to get our affairs in order ... 

Hear, listen, write..... 

Whichever oncologist wherever you go to... Ask them for a support group firstly for your loved one, then for yourself. Don't forget yourself during and afterwards because it'll be a misservice, hurtful to them in barzakh.. hurtful to those around you, yourself... Those who are dependent on you, for instance your pets..your organs, body which is amanah from Allah SWT and if you do khayanah in it 

...

their spirit still hasn't crossed to Jannah the connection is always there... You just need to feel it and send your feelings after asking Allah's permission 

let yourself go 

Oh and had a beautiful beautiful thought about Urdu which maybe one day I'll pen down... Or it'll remain in the beerain ... 

TamatulBekhair (the end) 

Falasteen and Ammi

My dear Gaza my dear Falasteen I miss you, my heart breaks into thousands of countless pieces when I see you bleed, when I see our children torn to shreds, our mothers sisters having to mourn over lost families, babies... When our men are forced to go thru unimaginable things, the strongest of men of Ummah, the strongest of women of Ummah are from Falasteen undyingly.. Falasteen you're the best of our people.. how much I desire to just fly to Gaza, see AlAqsa one day, the flag of land of olives bustling melodiously with winds of freedom and liberation .. 

How much I ache to help my Palestinians with my own hands, learn from them how to live in this temporary world ... Learn how to navigate such irreplaceable loss ... So much unsaid ....

With all my love and prayers 

Integrative Oncology

Just discovered about integrative Oncology. It's actually a whole term and is practiced globally...... Was already into reading about it..tried to implement with mama, but really oncologists do need to push for it and consider it a MAIN part of the treatment plan, cuz without it, the sole medical treatment for cancer is just the cons outweigh the pros, especially when it's metastatic/terminal. (This takes me back to that time when I watched House and heard this term. Never did it cross my mind I would happen to encounter this so closely that it'll topple my world upside down forever.... 

I'll slowly start writing about it. To help others, it might help them make decisions which I couldn't or discuss with family, doctors.  ... 

Still regret not being able to get her therapy.. one of many HUGE things that just keep gnawing at me whenever the thought of it passes my mind. 

Absence of presence..

I can't believe you're gone.... But you'll always be with me my everything.. I am a part you of like you were and always are mine, for I came from you.. Amma... There are no words.......... None....

Rabbir HumHuma Kama Raba Yaani Sagheera Ya Rab Ul Alameen 🤲🏽 

Can't let the mets win, can we eh

Eons since 🖋ed here. I used to read about metastasis, first heard about it in Grey's anatomy during high school, lymphoma and God knows what and the bugging research bug 🐛 that resides in this brain obv pushed me to overthink and read whatever my 🍳 🧠 could handle process whatever. I never knew I'd have to deal w it first hand, let alone deal with something like palliative care, EOL talks and then this all these discussions even before this during my grandfathers icu stay............ ? It's all just temporary I believe, I have faith, that's all we have don't we. Allah fixes everything. He's the best of planners. He's the master of the nano particles, cells every tiny bit. Our every step is decreed, every decision, every breath. Why do we sigh, oh dreary souls of the lost world. There's always light at the end of the tunnel. 

We just gotta hold onto one thing, His rope and defeat these tiny stupid mets!! Not in the game, the body *brain fried emoji* 

Maher Zain - Palestine Will Be Free | ماهر زين - فلسطين سوف تتحرر | Offi...

Why Matthew Gray Gubler Lives in a "Haunted Tree House"

Revolt

I fear I may get a schizophrenic break as people do in their 20s. I already have some delusional mental health condition heh. Not diagnosed but I know something isn't right. It hasn't been since years. I've always felt deviant from those around me, not in a bad or awry sense but, it makes me question and dig for answers. Nobody believes someone who has been on meds for sometime, especially when they haven't been through it themselves. It's you and the unidentifiable abyss of the ocean like thoughts of yours which make you go bonkers at times. You have these moments of clarity amidst the blurry days, a lot of moments when you've gotten stronger by fighting it. And you hang onto them. But sometimes it feels so easier to let go and let the moment drive you to whatever awaits. I suppose I'll have to wait and see, won't I? Something isn't right, doesn't mean I miss out on other things I have in my life. Things I have come a long way to witness and live and.. . Sometimes, I do let my brain wonder too far, that is for sure. Maybe that has led me to this state but I do need the escape sometimes. Fantasizing about something. Talking with imaginary folks. Living some times and days, hypothetically. If it makes me happy, I think I'll stick to it. Rather be crazy than sit like a blank bleak emotionless void.